For anyone who has had a child and squeezed it out the good old fashioned way (do I really have to say vaginally? I hate that word "vaginally". Jeez now I said it twice) or have done this act 3 times like myself, you may perhaps find that no amount of fucking kegels are going to help you from peeing your pants on occasion.
So I'm doing a run of the mill grocery shop at Walmart and every time without fail that I get to the freezer section, I have to pee. I'm Canadian and yet I don't understand how the cold makes you have to pee. If you're a Urologist and you're reading this, enlighten me. So in my head, I'm totally like "I got this" and I can still finish my groceries and THEN go pee and I'm doing the hunched over thing. I'm doing the legs crossed thing while pretending I'm fixing my sock..but still in my head, I'm like F you bladder, I'm stronger than you!
This was one of those times when mind over matter failed me and before I could make it to the bathroom on the other side of the store (thanks for that Walmart!!!) I pee my pants. And we're not talking about those times where you sneeze and a very small amount of pee comes out - enough that you're like "Phew I can just put some toilet paper in my pants and I'm good". No, this was a full pee down my legs and into my sandals. Fuck. Luckily it was chilly that day and I had on a long coat and black pants so it wasn't AS noticeable. I decided best thing to do was to quickly grab a pair of yoga pants and throw them on in the changeroom and shove my pee pee pants into my grocery bag. Obviously I am NEVER using that grocery bag.
Nonetheless, I move ahead and am feeling totally triumphant - like wow! Nobody noticed. I got away with it and I can just leave here with my groceries and crumpled pee pants and move on. I took my jacket off at the check out because the whole ordeal was making me hot. I stop at the travel place on the way out to check out trips to places I can't pronounce and will never afford and then I slowly saunter back to my car, bend into my trunk, put the groceries in and drive off.
All was good until I get home and am bending down to get some crackers out of one of the bags and my husband walks in and says "You got that right!" and I was like "what?" and he says "You got that right!" and winks. WTF!?! It takes me 25 minutes to finish the groceries and go to the washroom before I catch a glimpse in the mirror and find that the pants I've picked out of all the pants in Walmart have the word "Tasty" written on the ass. Now I'm asking myself how many people saw me there. I picture myself becoming a "person of Walmart" in some viral youtube video. Shit. And just like that, a new nickname is born.....